In those slow motion moments right before waking, that deep-as-death, bottomless hole yawns wide within her and in those moments she knows she will never be enough
Years of therapy, years of sobriety, and still my instinctual response to being in the world is I’m missing something that everyone else has. I’m a thousand piece jigsaw puzzle complete but for that one piece. Waking each morning with that awareness was enough to send me into my day handicapped, a poser who couldn’t let anyone close enough to see the flaws. Every activity, every interaction required a different mask. It was an exhausting way to live. Today, feeling inadequate is still instinctual but I know it is my own choice. I’ve learned that “enough” is a judgment I make about myself, not one that I let others make. At times I have been overwhelmed, confused, uncomfortable and frightened by my FEELINGS, certain that I was facing failure or rejection. At the center of every situation was a fear of loss. Not only was I not enough but I would never have enough. Now, as I look back at those challenges, I lived through every one of them and all that I feared never happened. My experience tells me that I am as capable as I need to be, as capable as I believe myself to be. One of the gifts of getting older is the wisdom that comes with each life experience and the added benefit of having the time to reflect on it. Wisdom has shown me that feelings aren’t facts, they can be changed with a thought. Wisdom says believe the facts not the feelings and the fact is that I have been, that I am and that I always will be enough.
I woke with the breath of a believer in all that is being better than all that was. KAW
Since childhood, I’ve been a writer, a teller of very tall tales and a whisperer of truths beyond my knowing. I wrote to stay alive. Now I write out of gratitude for the continued gift of living and I live nourished by the shared gifts of others.